i’m this guy at the grocery store absolutely lose his mind over romaine prices yesterday. like full on staring at the produce section having a crisis. dude just froze in shock.
i get it though. vegetables are stupid expensive now.
out of curiosity, i looked into growing my own. ended up scrolling hydroponic gardens like some kind of agricultural incel. found this ahopegarden thing and now i can’t stop thinking about it.
here if you’re curious:
it’s this lil black box with lights that apparently grows 12 plants at once. has an lcd touchscreen because of course it does. everything needs a touchscreen .
it’s 17 inches tall.
like slightly taller than my laptop screen. and you can grow actual food in there.
the reviews are talking about harvesting romaine in 30 days like it’s normal. one person grew beets which feels insane because aren’t beets like underground vegetables. how do you grow underground vegetables in a countertop aquarium. anyway.
the whole setup looks like if apple designed a plant prison. sleek black abs plastic, minimalist design, probably makes a gentle humming noise that either soothes you or slowly drives you insane.
it’s got dual light modes which i’m assuming means plants get a day shift and a night shift.
why am i mad at lettuce
there’s something uncomfortable about growing your own food indoors. like we’ve given up on the outside world entirely. yeah the planet’s cooked but check out my countertop farm.
it’s dystopian but i guess in a cool way. but we’re not doing vertical farms in abandoned warehouses like cool cyberpunk stuff. we’re just growing herbs next to the coffee maker.
but also it apparently works really well. reviews are full of people harvesting actual vegetables. one person said they got lettuce in a month. another person’s growing mini sweet peppers. someone even grew catnip for their cat which is either genius or the most bougie pet care i’ve ever heard of.
the water tank holds 5 liters and has a quiet pump that runs every 30 minutes. the lcd panel probably shows you stats about your plants like they’re pokemon.
the damage report
i’ve been thinking about this thing for 3 days now and i hate it. not the product – the product seems fine. i hate that i want it. i hate that i’m the guy who would buy a fancy plant computer because grocery store produce made me feel poor.
saw some review where someone goes “when i age out of outdoor gardening” and that phrase has been rattling around in my brain like a marble in a coffee can. aging out of outdoor gardening. like it’s a subscription service you eventually cancel. like going outside is a young person’s game.
the 22-hour light mode apparently makes plants flower 50% faster and fruit taste sweeter. so now we’re hacking vegetables. overclocking tomatoes. running lettuce at higher frame rates. somewhere a traditionalist farmer is having a stroke.
apartment people love it. they’re all so genuinely happy about their tiny plant boxes. “perfect for small spaces!” “great for apartments!” like we’ve all just accepted that having a yard is millionaire behavior now. we’re growing food in the same room where we sleep and pretending it’s innovation instead of adaptation to a weird timeline.
whatever this feeling is
look i’m probably going to buy it. not because i want fresh herbs or because i care about organic vegetables. i think i just want to watch something grow. something that won’t send me emails or need software updates. just plants doing plant stuff while i stare at them.
maybe there’s something nice about having a little ecosystem on your counter. your own personal food cube. a vegetable subscription box you water yourself. i keep picturing myself checking the water levels like a worried parent. adjusting the light height. maybe talking to the basil when nobody’s around.
tbh i can already feel myself becoming insufferable about it. oh this salad? yeah i grew it myself. in my kitchen. no big deal. showing people pictures of my lettuce like it’s a newborn. getting emotionally invested in herb growth rates.
i don’t know. maybe we all need something stupid to care about right now. maybe tending to 12 tiny plants in a plastic box is exactly the right amount of responsibility for where we’re at as a species. not quite ready for real farming but too proud to keep paying for wilted grocery store basil.
best price i saw
*aff link (if this makes me 12 cents, i’ll use it to buy seeds for my plant computer)