i’m sitting there eating cereal this morning and my cat walks in, sits down 3 feet away, and just stares. not at my food. not at anything specific. just stares at me with this look like she’s collecting data for a report she’s gonna file later. and i’m thinking, what the hell does this thing know that i don’t.
cats don’t do anything without a reason. dogs are chaos machines who’ll eat garbage and run into glass doors, but cats are calculating little weirdos who probably invented passive aggression. my cat has never once done something that didn’t serve some master plan i’m too stupid to understand.
the conspiracy is real
like yesterday i’m working from home and she keeps walking back and forth in front of my laptop screen. not randomly. exactly when i’m trying to focus on something important. she’ll sit perfectly still for two hours, then the second i hop on a call, there she is doing her little runway walk across my keyboard. that’s not coincidence. that’s strategy.
then there’s the 3am zoomies. she’ll sleep all day like she’s conserving energy for some nighttime mission, then suddenly it’s world war 3 in my hallway at exactly the time when i’m in the deepest sleep. it’s like she studied my rem cycles and picked the most disruptive possible moment to lose her mind.
maybe i’m the experiment
starting to think i’m not the owner here. i’m just some guy who opens cans and cleans a litter box while she runs behavioral studies on human stupidity. she probably has a whole folder on my weaknesses. subject responds to meowing at 5am by immediately providing food. subject can be manipulated into belly rub attempts despite clear trap indicators.
honestly at this point i respect it. if i was a small predator living with a giant who bought my food and cleaned my toilet, i’d probably spend my time figuring out how to control them too.
still annoys me tho.