so yeah. i panicked. i was 13, and there were girls around, and someone said “who wants to go tubing” and i just blurted out “yeah i can swim” like it was a job interview and i had a fake resume.
i had never swam in my life.
i mean i’d splashed around in the shallow end like a confused walrus, but i wasn’t out here doing laps like some chlorinated dolphin
fast forward 10 minutes and i’m in a boat.
life vest on. smile taped to my face like everything’s fine. it was not fine. the moment they hit the gas and that inflatable death donut started dragging me across the lake, my soul left my body.
i held on like a guy clinging to the last cookie in a wind tunnel. and the whole time i’m just praying i don’t fall off because if i do, it’s over. there’s no “doggy paddle.” there’s just “boy sinks like stone”
of course i fell off.
of course. mid-turn, tube hits a wave, i go flying like a discount stunt double. and for a solid 6 seconds, i was underwater thinking this is how i die. in lake water. wearing off brand swim trunks and a panicked expression
they circled back to get me and i tried to play it cool like “haha that was fun” but really i was seconds away from confessing my entire life’s sins. my legs didn’t stop shaking for like 4 hours.
and now i just pretend boats don’t exist.
if someone says “lake day” i say “no thanks i have a condition” and the condition is crippling aquatic shame
also fun fact, i still don’t know how to swim. but now i’m too deep in the lie. at this point it’s part of my personality. i just stand near water looking confident and hope no one calls my bluff