i don’t care what anyone says. eating a banana in public feels like a crime. like even if you’re doing it by the book, straight bite, no eye contact, no weird peeling, it still feels like everyone’s watching you. like they’re all silently judging your potassium choices.
and honestly? they probably are. i know i do.
i saw a guy eat a banana on a bus once and i’ve never trusted him since
there’s only two speeds with bananas. you either look like a toddler who just learned how to chew or a weird finance guy who keeps track of his poop schedule. there is no middle ground.
and god help you if it snaps in half. you break a banana mid-bite and suddenly it’s a whole incident. you become a metaphor for failure. i had one collapse on me once like it just gave up. i threw the whole thing in a trash can and walked away like it never happened
and don’t even get me started on trying to be casual with it.
like the cool lean-against-the-wall banana bite? yeah no. you look like an idiot. no one looks cool eating a banana. even monkeys look stupid doing it and they basically invented it. there’s just something inherently embarrassing about holding a soft fruit with that much confidence
i tried cutting one up once to avoid the whole situation. thought i was being clever. but then i looked down and realized i was eating tiny banana coins with a fork like some kind of cartoon duchess. felt even worse. at least with the regular way, you’re committing to the shame. you’re owning it. eating it like a man with nothing left to lose
i don’t know. maybe it’s just me. but i swear to god every banana bite takes a little piece of my dignity