so i’m sitting here realizing i haven’t had water since yesterday and i’m scrolling through tiktok because that’s how i cope with dehydration and this girl is holding a water bottle that’s literally glowing at her.
like pulsing blue light, alien communication style.
and she’s all “my smart water bottle saved my skin” and i’m thinking ok lady we get it you’re hydrated.
found it here if you’re curious:
the thing is called the boost smart water bottle and it’s basically a regular water bottle that thinks it’s better than you. it’s got an led display, bluetooth connectivity, and it tracks how much water you drink using some ai algorithm that measures the angle you’re drinking at.
which feels invasive honestly.
like a water bottle that judges your sipping technique. apparently you’re supposed to drink at a 90 to 135 degree angle and take 13 to 20 sips per session. who counted this. who sat in a lab and was like 17 sips is optimal but 21 is chaos. anyway
it gets personal
i keep thinking about my old water bottle. just a regular thing that i’ve had since 2021. covered in stickers from places i barely remember going. never once reminded me to drink water. never tracked my hydration.
just sat there being a container like bottles have done for thousands of years. and now here’s this boost bottle with its light ring and smartphone notifications trying to parent me into basic human maintenance.
the reviews though. one guy wrote a whole novel about how he brought it and his girlfriend mocks him for having a smart water bottle but secretly uses it when he’s not looking. which tracks because that’s exactly what would happen to me. i’d buy this thing and my friends would roast me endlessly while also asking to see the app every five minutes.
why this bothers me but also doesn’t
so the battery lasts two weeks on a single charge which means it’ll outlast my motivation to use it properly by about 13 days.
and they’re really pushing this earn points for every sip thing too. like we’re gamifying water now. collect hydration points. redeem them for discounts. turn your basic biological needs into a rewards program.
next they’ll have achievements. congrats you drank water 5 days in a row here’s a digital badge. and i know it would work on me. i’m exactly dumb enough to drink more water if there’s a leaderboard involved.
the ai thing though
it uses flow sensors and angle detection to track how much you’re drinking. it’s got a 15 percent accuracy tolerance which seems like a lot. like if i drink 32 ounces it might think i drank anywhere from 27 to 37 ounces. that’s a whole different bottle’s worth of variance.
but they make you calibrate it on a flat surface with an empty bottle like you’re setting up some precision instrument. disconnect, delete the bottle, repair. those are actual troubleshooting steps. imagine explaining to someone that you need to delete your water bottle and reinstall it.
and there’s a whole technique to it. you’re supposed to refill it only after it’s empty. maintain consistent drinking angles. take regular sips. it’s like the bottle is training you more than you’re using it. which actually might be the point. maybe we’re all so bad at drinking water that we need a bluetooth connected drill sergeant disguised as drinkware.
who is this actually for
i keep picturing the person who needs this. probably someone with an apple watch who actually uses the stand reminders. someone who meal preps on sundays and has a morning routine that doesn’t involve panic.
they probably have a skincare routine with more than two steps and remember to take vitamins. this bottle would fit perfectly into their life.
but then i read the reviews and it’s just regular people admitting they’re chronically dehydrated despite owning multiple water bottles. one person said 75% of people suffer from chronic dehydration and i’m like yeah.
we’re all walking around like neglected houseplants pretending we’re fine. maybe we do need our water bottles to glow at us. maybe shame based hydration is the future.
the wide mouth design for adding ice and fruit is nice though. like finally a bottle that acknowledges people want to put things in their water to make it less boring. the handle flips 180 degrees which seems excessive but whatever makes people happy.
and it’s dishwasher safe which is crucial because i know i’m not hand washing a smart water bottle. if it’s smart enough to track my hydration it better be smart enough to survive the dishwasher.
honestly the more i think about it the more i realize i probably need this thing.
even if i only use it properly for three weeks that’s still three weeks more hydrated than i am now. and maybe that’s worth something. maybe having a water bottle that judges you is better than slowly turning into a raisin. plus it’s black stainless steel so at least i’d look good.
i hate that i want it but i want it.