so yesterday i was sitting on my couch eating pizza when this reel popped up on my feed of some dude’s curtains opening by themselves and i just sat there for like 30 seconds watching it loop.
found it here if you’re curious:
the thing is called switchbot automatic curtain opener and apparently you just clip it onto your curtain rod and boom your curtains are smart now.
no tools no rewiring no calling your buddy who pretends to know about home improvement. just snap it on and suddenly you’re living in the future while the rest of us are still yanking fabric around like medieval peasants.
reviews say it can handle curtains up to 33 pounds which is wild because i don’t even know how much my curtains weigh but now i’m thinking about it. like who weighs their curtains. is that a thing people do. anyway one person said they use it on 10 foot wide windows which means their house is nicer than mine and also they probably have their life together enough to care about natural light schedules. respect.
look i get it.
opening curtains is hard. you gotta walk over there. use your arms. make decisions about how much sunlight you deserve today. its basically crossfit for introverts. but also like… when did we decide this needed solving.
my grandpa opened curtains every morning for 80 years and never once complained about the workout. then again he also thought microwaves were suspicious so maybe he’s not the best reference point.
the reviews are interesting though. one person said it changed their smart home game and they use it with homey pro which sounds like either a dating app or a mortgage company but apparently its neither.
they said the battery lasts a whole year and you don’t even have to take it down to charge it. just plug it in while its hanging there like some kind of curtain life support system. another person was mad because their curtains wouldn’t close all the way and honestly same energy as when i try to make my fitted sheet stay on the corners.
why this is actually about control issues
there’s this silent mode feature that keeps it under 25 decibels which is apparently quieter than a whisper and now i’m sitting here googling how loud a whisper is because i never thought about measuring whispers before.
they market it for people with sleep disorders but really its for people who want to pretend they’re not home when the delivery guy knocks. you can control it with your phone or alexa or google home or apparently even your apple watch if you’re the kind of person who owns an apple watch and also cares about curtain automation which feels like a very specific venn diagram.
the positioning magnets thing is what got me though. like the curtains know exactly where to stop now. no more of that weird gap where light sneaks through and hits you directly in the eyeball at 6am. no more uneven curtain situations where one side is trying harder than the other like some kind of fabric relationship metaphor.
just perfect curtain alignment every single time.
and yeah ok that actually sounds pretty nice because my curtains currently look like they gave up halfway through opening and i respect that energy but also it would be nice if they tried harder.
here’s the thing nobody talks about.
having your curtains open and close on a schedule probably does make you feel more put together even if you’re not. like you could be eating cereal for dinner in your underwear but your curtains are operating on a schedule so technically you’re winning. its the same logic as making your bed except you don’t even have to make anything. the robot does it. you just exist and the curtains happen around you.
btw someone in the reviews mentioned using it as a theft deterrent when they’re away and that’s actually genius. your house looks lived in because the curtains move but really you’re in cancun pretending you don’t have student loans.
or you could mess with people and set them to open dramatically when someone walks by like you’re revealing something important but its just your regular living room with that target lamp everyone has.
and yeah there’s something deeply cool about spending money to automate a task that takes 3 seconds. but also there’s something deeply human about wanting your environment to just handle itself while you focus on more important things like wondering if that text meant what you think it meant or if you’re overthinking again.
Final thoughts
this thing is clearly for people who have already automated everything else and ran out of stuff to make smart. or maybe its for people who just really hate mornings and want one less decision to make.
or possibly its for anyone who’s ever stood at their window for too long trying to decide if opening the curtains counts as being productive for the day.
honestly though… yeah fine its actually kinda cool. like if my buddy got one i’d probably mess with it every time i went over but also i secretly want one. not because i need it but because the idea of my curtains having a schedule when i don’t is somehow aspirational. maybe that’s the whole point. we’re outsourcing our routines to robots one mundane task at a time until eventually we’re just consciousness floating in perfectly climate controlled rooms with optimal natural light.
best price i saw
aff link (if this makes me 12 cents, i’ll feel powerful for like 40 minutes)