so apparently meditation is supposed to like… calm your mind or something. center your spirit. whatever. i tried it because my friend kept talking about “mindfulness” like he invented it. he also does that thing where he wears beaded bracelets and says “my energy’s off today” like that explains why he’s 40 minutes late to … Read more
I’m gonna say this and if i’m wrong don’t correct me because i’ve built my entire identity on this fragile guess: i have no idea what pants sizes actually mean. none. they’re just little numbers i memorize from the one pair that kinda fits and then i chase that feeling for the rest of my … Read more
every 6 weeks i go to this place and get my hair cut. and every 6 weeks mike the barber tries to convince me that my life will be completely different if i just buy some pomade. like dude, im not trying to become a male model. but mike always does this thing where he’s … Read more
so theres this whole category of people who will look you dead in the eye and say “oh i dont really watch tv” and then 5 minutes later theyre explaining the entire plot of some netflix show like theyre giving a dissertation. what is this. what are we doing here. like sarah from work told … Read more
friend asked if i wanted to grab dinner and i texted back “sure.” with a period and apparently that was the digital equivalent of declaring war. got three follow up texts asking if i was mad about something and then a phone call where she was like you seemed really cold in your text and … Read more
i don’t care what anyone says. eating a banana in public feels like a crime. like even if you’re doing it by the book, straight bite, no eye contact, no weird peeling, it still feels like everyone’s watching you. like they’re all silently judging your potassium choices. and honestly? they probably are. i know i … Read more
found glitter on my couch recently and i have no explanation for how it got there which is honestly terrifying. like i live alone and the last craft project i did was in middle school when i made that volcano that barely erupted. so where did this glitter come from and why is it specifically … Read more
theres this ice cream truck that comes through my street every tuesday around 4 and whoever picked the music for this thing clearly has never seen a horror movie or has seen way too many. its supposed to be that classic ice cream truck song but something is deeply wrong with it. like the speakers … Read more
clicked on twitter yesterday and my brain immediately went nope and closed it before i could even see what fresh hell was happening. like some kind of digital survival instinct kicked in and was like dude you dont need this energy in your life right now. probably saved myself from getting mad about something that … Read more
checked my uber rating last week and its 4.7 which apparently makes me a slightly below average human being. like somewhere out there are drivers giving me three stars for existing in their car wrong. what did i do. breathe too loud. not make enough small talk. make too much small talk. sit in the … Read more