every single transaction ends with this dramatic pause where the cashier looks at you like youre about to choose between saving a burning orphanage or your own mother. “do you want your receipt.” its always said with this weight like they just asked if you believe in god or something. and then you have to … Read more
moved into this new place once and the previous owner was apparently obsessed with ceiling fans. theres one in every room including the bathroom which feels illegal but whatever. point is i never thought about ceiling fans until then but now i have very strong feelings about them and its weird how that happens. first … Read more
airports are where logic goes to die. like the second you walk through the sliding doors, it’s just nuts. people suddenly forget how lines work. they just stand there in clusters like confused pigeons. and every guy in cargo shorts thinks he’s the only one who’s ever had to take his laptop out of a … Read more
who are these people. like genuinely who are you. you wake up and your first thought is “yeah i’m gonna violently bounce around outside for 45 minutes and then feel good about it.” what is wrong with you i’ve tried it. i’ve done the thing. i put on the little shorts and the playlist that … Read more
there’s something deeply broken in me. because i can’t just listen to things at a normal, acceptable volume. no. i have to tweak it. constantly. by like one notch. back and forth. forever. like some weird little audio gremlin trying to unlock the exact hertz that makes my brain go “yes. now we live.” and … Read more
went to get coffee yesterday and this girl spent 15 minutes setting up the perfect shot of her latte. moved it three different times to catch the light better. asked her friend to take like 20 photos from different angles while other people waited behind them to order. the barista looked dead inside which honestly … Read more
i don’t like smoothies. there. i said it. but for some reason, i keep acting like i do. i’ll be in a group and someone’s like “ooh let’s get smoothies” and i’m nodding like hell yeah i’m a berry boy let’s ride. then i spend nine dollars on what is basically cold fruit soup and … Read more
theres this spot on my street thats like the perfect size for a normal car but apparently triggers some kind of primal panic in half the people who try to use it. i work from home now so i get to watch this tragic comedy show every day from my window while pretending to be … Read more
look i’m not saying trivia night itself is bad. it’s fine. it’s fine the way brunch is fine. the way escape rooms are fine. i just think if you build your personality around being slightly better than people at remembering which state has the most lighthouses, you should have to register that somewhere. like a … Read more
so apparently yesterday i decided i was going to become one of those people who does yoga and now theres a purple mat sitting in my living room like evidence of a crime i dont remember committing. i have no recollection of the thought process that led to this purchase but my bank account says … Read more