so apparently yesterday i decided i was going to become one of those people who does yoga and now theres a purple mat sitting in my living room like evidence of a crime i dont remember committing. i have no recollection of the thought process that led to this purchase but my bank account says it definitely happened.
like what was i thinking.
me doing yoga is like watching a giraffe try to use a vending machine. im the guy who pulls muscles reaching for the tv remote but somehow convinced myself i could master downward dog and warrior pose. my body has the flexibility of a two by four but sure lets spend forty dollars on a mat and pretend im going to become zen.
the worst part is i watched like three minutes of a youtube yoga video this morning and the instructor lady was all “breathe into your spine” and “find your center” and i genuinely thought she was speaking a different language.
breathe into my spine. my spine doesnt have lungs lady thats not how anatomy works. meanwhile shes folding herself into a pretzel while explaining how this is “gentle movement for beginners.”
now the yoga mat is just sitting there judging me every time i walk past it. its like having a really expensive reminder that i make impulsive decisions when im feeling bad. probably bought it right after seeing some instagram post about morning routines and productivity and decided 30 seconds later that yoga was going to fix everything that’s wrong.
honestly i should just use it as a really overpriced rug or maybe a landing pad for when i inevitably fall off my couch. at least then it would serve some actual purpose instead of being a forty dollar monument to my optimistic delusions about self improvement.