who are these people. like genuinely who are you.
you wake up and your first thought is “yeah i’m gonna violently bounce around outside for 45 minutes and then feel good about it.” what is wrong with you
i’ve tried it.
i’ve done the thing. i put on the little shorts and the playlist that starts with like… one motivational drake song. i stretch like i saw someone do in a commercial once. and then i take three steps and my body goes full courtroom objection. just every part of me is like “your honor this is not sustainable.” and yet people are just out here galloping through the suburbs like labrador retrievers who pay taxes
it’s the aura too.
runners have this unsettling calm like they’ve already survived an apocalypse. they talk about “pace” and “hydration” like they’ve trained for a war the rest of us don’t know is coming. i had a roommate once who did marathons and he used to eat these little pouches of applesauce and salt like he was prepping to climb everest. he also didn’t own a fork. i don’t know what that means but it feels relevant
i get winded chasing a bus.
like genuinely need to sit down and reflect after. maybe i’m built different. maybe i’m built like a 2007 office chair. but if you tell me you “just felt like going for a jog,” i assume you’re either in a full-blown mental or you’re about to announce you’re running for office
also nobody tells you that your face does weird things. like i ran once and looked in a mirror after and i was just… a tomato that got bad news
anyway i’m gonna go stretch and then sit down for 3 hours.
that’s my version of a workout