so apparently meditation is supposed to like… calm your mind or something.
center your spirit.
whatever.
i tried it because my friend kept talking about “mindfulness” like he invented it. he also does that thing where he wears beaded bracelets and says “my energy’s off today” like that explains why he’s 40 minutes late to lunch
anyway i gave it a shot.
i sat down on the floor like a sad little guy, did the whole criss-cross applesauce thing, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and immediately remembered a very specific piece of lasagna i ate at summer camp in 2006.
i could see it.
i could smell it.
it was weirdly cold in the middle but the edges were lava and i’m pretty sure it had corn in it for some reason.
why was there corn.
that thought alone took me down a whole thought loop that ended in me googling “can you sue a camp kitchen”
every time i tried to focus on my breath i just got distracted by new dumb thoughts.
like “do squirrels get bored” or “what if i’ve been using deodorant wrong this whole time.” and the lady in the meditation video kept saying stuff like “notice your thoughts and let them drift away like clouds” and i was like lady. my clouds are shaped like discontinued menu items.
after 15 minutes i opened my eyes and felt exactly the same except now my leg was asleep and i wanted pasta.
i don’t know how people do this regularly.
like who has the attention span to sit still and not think about weird beef memories. maybe i’m not cut out for inner peace. maybe i’m just meant to exist in a constant background hum of chaos. that’s fine. some of us are built for turbulence