so i’m standing in my kitchen at 11 pm holding a perfectly good container of leftover pasta and there’s literally no lid that fits it. none. i have seventeen lids in my drawer and they’re all for containers that apparently don’t exist anymore. it’s like my tupperware is going through a messy divorce and i’m … Read more
so i’m at the pet store yesterday buying dog food and i walk past the fish section and just freeze up. there’s this one goldfish in a tiny tank just swimming the same three circles over and over and i’m like damn, that’s literally my entire existence but slower. like what does that fish even … Read more
so my sister borrowed my phone charger and i’ve been thinking about it for like 16 hours straight. which is insane because it’s literally a five dollar cable. there’s something about chargers that feels weirdly personal. like yeah it’s just a cord but it’s MY cord that lives by MY bed and has been perfectly … Read more
walked up to my apartment door today and got absolutely destroyed by static electricity. like properly zapped. not the little tingle you get from socks, but the kind that makes you question if you’re being punished by some cosmic force for something you did in third grade. and it’s always the same spots too. my … Read more
so this lady at the coffee place told me i looked “healthy” yesterday and i’ve been mentally picking it apart like a autopsy report ever since. healthy. what does that even mean. like was i looking sick before. have i been walking around looking like i need vitamins. the thing is she said it with … Read more
so i’m scrolling through zillow looking at cabins again like some kind of delusional mountain man. not even nice cabins. i’m talking about places that look like they smell like wet dog. but my brain sees a rusty roof and thinks” yeah that’s what i need. the fantasy always starts the same way i picture … Read more
so apparently laughter is “contagious” which sounds like something a scientist made up to explain why i giggle like an idiot every time someone else does. like my brain just gave up on independent thought and decided to follow the crowd. cool. anyway. i was watching this video where everyone was cracking up at something … Read more
so yeah. i panicked. i was 13, and there were girls around, and someone said “who wants to go tubing” and i just blurted out “yeah i can swim” like it was a job interview and i had a fake resume. i had never swam in my life. i mean i’d splashed around in the … Read more
this happened to me yesterday and im still thinking about it. my coworker was telling me some story about her weekend and i guess my brain just decided to take a little vacation halfway through. like one second shes talking about going to her sisters house and the next thing i know im nodding and … Read more
i have a system and it works for me but apparently its not normal human behavior. every sunday and wednesday night around 11pm i take my trash to the curb because thats when i remember to do it and also when i dont have to make small talk with other people who are also taking … Read more