every time i look at the moon it’s in a different place. and no one’s talking about it. i’ll be walking home one night and it’s doing that big dramatic full circle spotlight thing like “hey i’m here.” then the next day it’s a faint half thumbprint hiding behind a cloud. what are you doing … Read more
got an uber home from the airport yesterday and gave the guy my address and he just stared at me like i told him to drive to narnia or something. then he starts typing it into his gps super slowly like he’s fact checking me. dude i live there i think i know where my … Read more
so i was cleaning out my moms basement and found this notebook from middle school that i completely forgot existed. apparently 12 year old me thought he was some kind of philosopher or something because every entry starts with stuff like “today i realized something important about life” and then its just complete nonsense about … Read more
walking my dog last night and looked up at this house at the exact wrong moment. there was this woman just standing in her kitchen window and we both froze like we got caught doing something illegal. she was probably just washing dishes or whatever but now we both have to live with the fact … Read more
just saw a thing about how call of duty got pulled from game pass because hackers were using it to take over people’s computers. like. literally. one second you’re getting sniped on omaha beach and the next some dude named probably like xXglockMOM420Xx is opening your command prompt and changing your desktop to something deeply … Read more
so apparently meditation is supposed to like… calm your mind or something. center your spirit. whatever. i tried it because my friend kept talking about “mindfulness” like he invented it. he also does that thing where he wears beaded bracelets and says “my energy’s off today” like that explains why he’s 40 minutes late to … Read more
I’m gonna say this and if i’m wrong don’t correct me because i’ve built my entire identity on this fragile guess: i have no idea what pants sizes actually mean. none. they’re just little numbers i memorize from the one pair that kinda fits and then i chase that feeling for the rest of my … Read more
every 6 weeks i go to this place and get my hair cut. and every 6 weeks mike the barber tries to convince me that my life will be completely different if i just buy some pomade. like dude, im not trying to become a male model. but mike always does this thing where he’s … Read more
so theres this whole category of people who will look you dead in the eye and say “oh i dont really watch tv” and then 5 minutes later theyre explaining the entire plot of some netflix show like theyre giving a dissertation. what is this. what are we doing here. like sarah from work told … Read more
friend asked if i wanted to grab dinner and i texted back “sure.” with a period and apparently that was the digital equivalent of declaring war. got three follow up texts asking if i was mad about something and then a phone call where she was like you seemed really cold in your text and … Read more