so my brother in law bought these powerblock things and now i can’t stop thinking about how they look like someone 3d printed weights in minecraft.
like if you asked an ai to draw dumbbells but it only knew squares. he sends me this video of him using them and i’m just staring at these black cubes thinking that’s not what weights look like but also wait maybe that’s better?
found it here if you’re curious:
the thing is i’ve been paying for a gym membership for like three years and i go maybe twice a month. maybe. and that’s being generous. i tell myself it’s because i’m busy but really it’s because the gym is full of people who actually know what they’re doing and i’m just there pretending.
meanwhile my brother in law is in his garage with these cube weights getting absolutely jacked and sending me progress pics like he’s trying to mock me.
why do they look like that though
these powerblock elite exp adjustable dumbbells literally look like someone took regular weights and put them in witness protection. they’re just blocks. squares. geometric shapes that happen to be heavy. but apparently that’s the whole point.
they stack inside each other like nesting dolls made of steel. you pull this pin thing out and boom suddenly you’re lifting 50 pounds instead of 10. it’s like transformer weights but instead of turning into a robot they just turn into slightly bigger cubes.
i spent like an hour reading reviews about these things and people are obsessed. someone said they’re built like tanks which is funny because tanks are also basically just metal boxes too. someone else mentioned they dropped theirs and nothing happened except some scratches.
the expansion kit thing
so these start at 5 to 50 pounds but you can buy expansion kits to go up to 90 pounds. it’s like dlc for weights. you literally level up your dumbbells like a video game. stage 2 gets you to 70 pounds. stage 3 gets you to 90. what happens at stage 4? do you just become the hulk? do they send someone to check if you’re ok?
my brother in law is already talking about getting the expansion and i’m like dude you just bought these calm down. but he’s all excited about the “journey” and how he’s going to “grow into them” and i’m sitting here wondering if my gym membership even lets me touch anything over 30 pounds without supervision.
the more i look at these the more the square shape makes sense
regular dumbbells roll around. these just sit there. like well behaved pets. they’re apparently easier on your legs when you rest them on your thighs for bench press because they’re flat.
plus they stack in this compact stand so you’re not tripping over weights like my garage setup where i’ve basically created an obstacle course of fitness equipment i don’t use. my gf calls it the expensive stubbed toe collection and she’s not wrong.
someone mentioned they’re good for small spaces and now i’m imagining apartment dwellers everywhere with these cube weights just chilling in the corner looking like modern art.
anyway
honestly i might get them. not because i need them. not because i’ll use them more than my current setup of doing pushups twice a week and calling it good. but because there’s something weirdly appealing about owning equipment that looks like it was designed by someone who only knew how to draw squares. plus my brother in law would lose his mind if i got the same ones and actually used them.
they come with a 5 year warranty which is approximately 4 years and 11 months longer than i’ll actively use them but whatever. at least future me will have really nice cube weights to feel guilty about.